"Secrets"
(Shhhh, keep this between us)

  • I use coupons.
  • I cry at everything; birthdays, commercials, football games.
  • I really like my husband.
  • I live in fear of earthquakes and won't sleep naked; my clothes are next to me at all times.
  • I was adopted.
  • I found my birthparents and discovered I have 5 whole siblings (1 sister and 4 brothers).
  • Richard Roeper is my first cousin.
  • Dylan McDermott is not a relative but I once asked him to pretend so to help my career. He laughed and booted me out of his trailer.
  • I'm always me. Never on. Never off. Just me.
  • I really truly don't care what other people think of me.
  • I hate hearing the word, "No."
  • I hate people that don't RSVP to parties.
  • I hate cliques or closed groups of gossiping girls.
  • I hate people that make other people feel excluded.
  • An old boyfriend took me with him on a double date with a shy friend who was having a 2nd date and needed his buddy's support. No one told me it was David Kelly and Michelle Pfeiffer's till they walked in and joined us. I was so nervous I threw up and didn't speak the whole time.
  • I shop at Wal-mart and don't care if someone sees me.
  • Paying too much for something makes me physically ill.
  • I drive a mini-van and I love it (I should've had one in H.S.)
  • My toes are webbed.
  • I met Jeremy Piven at theater camp when I was 10. I got to dance with him and hold his hand - even back then I thought he was hot.
  • I kill every spider I see, even when I'm in public.
  • I have to take my down pillow with me when I travel.
  • My walls at home are bare - I'm too afraid I'll commit to a painting I'll hate in a year.
  • I hate knick-knacks.
  • My furniture is either from college or Ikea..why get anything new when
    someone could barf or color on it?
  • I feel fulfilled when I throw things out.
  • I graduated with honors from college and never read a single book. My secret: I took teachers that tested on what they taught in class and I never missed a single class.
  • My college boyfriend dated Sharon Stone for two years after dating me. Does that mean I was two degrees away from sleeping with her?
  • I own stock in Starbucks but I like Coffee Bean's Mocha so much better.
  • Grizzle on chicken freaks me out.
  • I'd work in an amusement part every day if they'd let me ride the Roller coasters.
  • My favorite thing to do at night is put on sweats, drink a coke and watch a movie.
  • When I go to the movies, I'll sneak into three other ones, then when I leave 8 hours later, I can't remember what I saw.
  • I lose my car in parking lots and rely on the alarm to help me find it.
  • I've never done drugs. I've never even SEEN cocaine.. 'cept when a very 'cheap' old roommate blew dust off a dollar bill, I innocently said, "If you used your money more it wouldn't get dusty!"
  • My husband gave me a single 'hall pass' to sleep with Bon Jovi. I married a great guy.
  • My best friend died in a car accident I should have been in when I was 19.
  • I think I'm going to die early - so I take chances and have fun and tell people what I really think.
  • I floss every night.
  • I wear Victoria Secret thongs.
  • I'm not allowed to touch the laundry - I mix colors and whites and someone gets mad.
  • After a party at home, I'll vacuum and mop the floor at 2am.
  • I think this list is silly.


    I hope you learned something.

 


What do you think about the comedy and articles of The CEO of the House, Laurie McDermott ? Send comments to Laurie HERE!


"Dear funny woman that makes fun of everything we are afraid to talk about, you are awesome. That last joke I came home and told my husband. He has to see you, it'll explain my life to him, cause he doesn't know...and I live with him! Thanks for making our luncheon a success and flying up to Sacramento. Hope you enjoyed our little town and we hope you perform up here again. I'm clicking over to buy another book right now. My sister took the signed one I originally got from you. Mommy Love", -Sarah Kellerher, Sac

"Thanks for coming to Houston to do our MC group function. You made us laugh so hard, one girl said she laughed so hard she peed in her pants (can't say who here!) Thanks for doing what you do, no one else is doing it and it's inspiring to hear things you say that we DON'T say, we only feel. I could go on and recap everything I loved, but I'm sure we'll see it on TV one day. They'd be fools if they missed showing you to the nation...or world! (Oh and I loved your book - we all did - we've passed it around now we fight for it so we can do the recipes.) Take care", Betina Samsung

"Laurie! Just saw a news clip of you on channel 2. It was filmed at the Laugh Factory for a new TV show. Wanted to wish you good luck on your quest! I've seen you live already, I know you will do great." -Laurie Hoffman, SC

"Just thought you might want to know. We had such a great time at the luncheon this year! Everyone is still talking about you. Thanks so much for coming to New Jersey. Below is an email I received that I thought you should see. 'That comedienne, Laurie McDermott, was such a hit.....heard it from many moms after the luncheon. They said it was the best year yet! And also stated that next year they hoped for some more "entertainment" like that! Tho' she'll be hard to top! Just wanted to let you know. I thought she was awesome too! Cindy '" -Faith

"To Laurie's dear husband, I just wanted to tell you again how much I enjoyed your wife. She is hysterical. Her book is also great. My husband wants to feel bad for you, but I bet you're laughing all the way to the bank." -Judy Fanslow, FL

"I saw you at the 20's 30' ( and forty something) singles group benefit. You were so wonderful. I usually sing at the 5:00 mass and I have never gone to the group before , but a fellow choir member told me about it and I thought that the comedy show sounded like fun. The last time I was at a comedy club was with my soon to be ex husband. (it's a long story!). He had the children, so I went to the show and it was so much fun. I needed to laugh! I bought your book for myself and my two sisters in the Midwest. We all enjoy it. I'm going to make the Breakfast Scramble tomorrow for the kids for breakfast!" -Michelle (Peterson) Wu

"You were terrific on Saturday night, very, very funny!" -Kathleen Truman - AM

"You did such a great job last night. Thank you!! I know those people will love your book! You are really wonderful and I know you will go far and I know we will work together quite a bit. Thanks for taking the gig, doing the gig and not canceling because you were sick. THAT proved you were worth every penny I paid to get you here." -Keith Barany

"Great job! You're most excellent and (more importantly to me) very original. Keep up the good work! We'll get you back here soon."

"I really enjoyed the MOMS Club Founders Day Luncheon this year. Thanks for making us laugh! In the past I needed tissues for all the touching and sad speakers they have had, but this year I needed them because I was laughing so hard!" -Krista Richey currently live in Simi Valley but moving to Lakewood

"The kudos keep coming in for your wonderful performance at the luncheon. Thank you so much. It was great. I taped the majority of it (because I never remember the luncheon) if you want one let me know. I played it for my husband and he loved it as well. think it added exactly what we needed to this luncheon. Some humor and fun. It upped the bar for us. Next years will have a hard time trying to top you" LH - Anaheim

"My afternoon on Feb 7th started out bad. As soon as you got up on stage, none of it bothered me anymore. I needed to laugh so much. And you made me laugh. You are awesome. I needed to be cheered up. You did a great job at that! Everyone at my table had a blast when you were up there! A few of us almost pissed ourselves, thanks to bladder conrol after childbirth being horrible....haah" -Nicole Rice (Member of the Corona Southwest Chapter)

"Thanks again for the fun night at the Improv. I've seen you before and thought you were funny, but you "shine" as a pregnant woman, in a funny, funny way! I really want to thank you again for doing your "gig" for us at our banquet... YOU are GREAT!!!" -Linda Gravani (MR Real Estate)

"You were extreamly funny last night! Your act outs about being a lying Mother were Great. The ladies in the audience really bonded with you and your female humor. I didn't think they were going to stop laughing at your closing bit."

Hey, saw your write up in the Herald--made me so sad I missed your "'amazing' performance at Zanies. Wish I could have come out---Chicken Pox scare from school. Three kids and two full time jobs and no baby sitters makes me feel pretty much out of commission until Sara is three. Anyways, love your web site- no I'll know when you come to town. See you on a sitcom soon." -Sambo - Chicago

"I saw Laurie perform while visiting family in Hollywood with my parents. We saw her live at the Comedy Store on July 17th. SHE WAS HILARIOUS!! I have never laughed so hard in my life! And please tell Laurie thanks for crackin my whole family up! I hope you can still send the autograph!" -Matt Byars Bethesda, MD 20814

"On behalf of the entire Foundation for the Junior Blind family, thank you very very very much for making our opening ceremony memorable. It was light and lively, and both the kids and adults enjoyed your comments, jokes, and counselor introductions. Again, thank you so very much, you were a big hit! And please tell your son, AFLACK (per the duck on the insurance commercial Kind regards," -Debbie

"Why haven't I booked you before? I really did enjoy your presentation. It was well thought out, and you acted it out beautifully," -Reggie Brown

"I saw your performance last night at the Thrift Store, very very funny." -Jonathan Browning

"I have been reading your book, and I love it! It is hilarious! I really enjoyed your speech at the luncheon, it was great! Good luck! Get booked to do the Mary Kay Corp." -Jessica Gallagher

"Thanks for your usual excellent work!" -Dave Mc - Ice House

"Caught your act in Salt Lake, very good! You are very funny for such a little girl... Hope to catch you soon at Zanies in Chicago." -mike siscoe

"Laurie, You're a very funny lady!! I now know why you are CEO! Everyone loved you and we want you back to perform again here soon! Best wishes," -The FP

"Hi Laurie, Saw you in Las Vegas. My dad is mad there weren't funny women like you when he was younger. He'd have married you." -Karen Z. San Fran

"Laurie: My wife and I laugh out loud at your CEO of the House column and the piece in the Los Angeles Family magazine this month. Please let us know when you have another event in the LA area (okay, we could drive to OC if we had to!). We would love to hear your routine in person! Regards," -Laura & Steve reasners@hotmail.com

"Dear Laurie, Thanks for performing at our Disney function. You are very funny and CLEAN. We love clean and we're thrilled to have had you recommended to us. I've already had requests to have you back again."

"Saw you in Chicago! GREAT show! You inspired me! I quit a job to stay home and from now on I'm going to call myself "CEO!" Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!! And I will buy any and every book you write!!! Love, Your favorite Chicago Fan!" -Janice Holds

"Read your article about Dogs and People, quoting you, “People without kids who own dogs, get weird. It’s like their dog is their kid.” That is only too true. We live next to a few of them. Thanks for the laughs, I look forward to reading your column every month." -Jerry

"Dear Laurie, Saw you at the Irvine Improv last night and thought you were the best female comic I've ever seen. I hate girl comics cause they only talk about men and private parts, but you are actually pretty smart and quite refreshing. Thanks for making my first experience at a comedy club a blast. I need to see you again and will check your web site. My girlfriends will LOVE you. They are all mom's too!" -Susan R. Orange County

"I agree with the comment, "Totally Adorable" and 'real' funny." -E Halley, Palatine, IL

"Hello Laurie -- I love your site - the birthday party story - and especially your new photos. They are FANTASTIC. I didn't realize you were out there doing corporate gigs and what not. Congratulations there - and another one for the upcoming baby! So exciting. Talk to you soon." -Eric

"Although she is funny, witty, smart and totally adorable she is also beautiful, considerate, kind and a totally great Mom. I love seeing her wherever she appears especially at my home town!" -GG

"You are funny and a hot Mama!" -Meryl Besker, Sacramento.

 

 

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